Why Do the Wrong People Travel?
Noel Coward queries in his musical “Sail Away” why tourists clack around like flocks of geese. Demanding dry martinis on the isles of Greece. The song is for the leading lady who is a cruise director on an ocean liner.
Having spent numerous years as first a cruise director, then a tour director, I can relate.
I understand its a new setting, but do they stop and think before acting or asking a question?
I am not talking about all travelers or even the ones who may ask a well-intended question.
But there are some who ask question after question. I begin to wonder what they are doing in public unescorted or not medicated.
With admiration, I thank these people for giving me a story to tell in the crew bar at the end of a long day. And for writing this blog for me.
Before Leaving Home.
With some, we get a warning many weeks in advance. You look at a cruise ticket or brochure and say, why do they include this? That seems so obvious. This article is not about you.
Restaurants print “Coffee may be hot” on their to-go cups. The travel industry also attracts Darwin Award nominees.
Questions to the reservation department include:
- Am I speaking to a live person?
- Do we need to bring our sheets?
- Will there be a chance to swim during the cruise?
- What will the weather be the day we are in ____ _? (Remember, this is months in advance.)
- Are there bathrooms on board?
- Upon arrival at the airport in Istanbul, you will need to purchase a visa. I have a master card, is that good enough?
And a few questions that puzzle me:
- Do I have to register using my real name?
- Do I have to eat with my traveling companions?
Don’t check your mind when you check-in.
Silly Upon Arrival.
- Does this staircase go up or down?
- Will this elevator take me to the front of the ship?
- My outside cabin is inside the ship.
- I paid for an oceanview cabin, and all I can see is the terminal building.
- I don’t see any power lines connected to the ship. Will we have electricity during the cruise?
- A call to the front desk, I can’t get out of my cabin. Did you try the door? Yes, it leads to the bathroom. Did you try the other door? No, it has a do not disturb sign on it.
The Point of No Return
Once the ship departs, there is nowhere to hide from these questions.
- What time is dinner? Are you on the first seating or second? The one at 6:15.
- After announcing there are two seatings for dinner, one quest asks, why do we eat dinner twice?
- Do they catch the seafood daily?
- Today ships have 24-hour room service and late-night buffets. But in the olden days of cruising, there was a buffet that began at 12 AM. Its name, the Midnight Buffet. Not a week went by that someone did not ask, What time is the midnight buffet?
- On a ship I was working on in Greece, a guest asks me, What is the captain’s name? My response, Our captain is Captain Konstantinou. The guest asks me the same question again. I give the same answer. The guest yells out, Doesn’t anyone speak American on this ship?
- Are the doctor and nurse qualified?
- Is the water in the pool seawater? Yes. See honey, that’s why there are waves in the pool.
- How do I know what pictures on display are mine?
- What do they do with the ice carvings after they melt?
- Does all the crew sleep onboard?
- Which side of the ship do we need to be on to see the whales?
- What time will we see whales?
Land Ho.
Spending the majority of my sea career in the land tour department, I have lots of tour-related questions.
Questions On the Pier:
- What port is this?
- Where are we parked?
- How do I know what ship to get on when I return?
- Does the water go all the way around the island?
- Can I take a taxi back to where the ship is at anchor?
- If I miss the ship, can I rent a car and drive to the next island?
- Why did the Greeks build so many ruins?
- Arriving in Athens, What island is this?
- Standing on the pier in Juneau Alaska, Do they take US currency here?
- Standing on the pier in Dover England, What language do they speak here?
- This guest may have been the same one wanting to know if we sell tickets for the Picadilly Circus.
- A question I get a lot while standing on the pier, next to the ship. How high above sea level are we?
- On the Panama Canal cruise, Which ocean is higher, the Pacific or the Atlantic?
- We will be departing from here in 30 minutes. Please be back on the bus in 30 minutes from the time on your watch right now. A hand goes up. Is that local time or ship time?
- Bless her heart; we had one lady who came to the desk the first night and said, I can’t find my husband. He’s deaf. Can you page him? A few days later in Santorini, she flags me down on the street. My husband is missing. Can you page him?
Questions At the Desk:
- Am I going to get wet: snorkeling, going to the beach, climbing the waterfalls?
- Will the rainforest be muddy?
- Do you have to be certified to go on the snorkel tour?
- If I take the tour the ship is offering, will it be back before the ship departs?
- Once upon a time, a guest comes to the tour desk and asks if we ever get silly questions. I rattle off a few of the ones above, and she finds the humor in all of them. This conversation goes on for about 15 minutes. We are in tune; she gets the humor. Then she looks me straight in the face. Why did they place the glacier so far outside of Juneau? I KNOW she’s pulling my leg, right? So I say, So you have to take the tour. She was not pulling my leg. She did not find the humor…
Was the Titanic an accident or did the captain get one too many questions?
They Are Still Asking Questions.
Even on the last day of the cruise, they are still asking them.
- After we leave the cruise, where do we go for dinner?
- Will our car still be where we left it?
- Guest; I need a customs declaration. I ask, Are you an American citizen? The response, No, I’m black.
- And one of my favorites. While helping an elderly lady fill out her customs declaration, I ask if she has exceeded her alcohol allowance. (How many bottles you can take home without paying tax on them) Her response. Maybe I did on Wednesday night.
When the Right People Stay Back Home.
Do all guests ask silly questions? No. We would go weeks without any, which disappoints the crew.
I have been on over 800 cruises so, over time, I have a few in my collection. And luckily, I was not on the receiving end of all of them.
Does it only happen in the cruise industry? Hardly. I doubt any industry is 100% silly question free.
Do I ask silly questions? On purpose? Absolutely. By mistake, probably.
To the hotel clerk, waiter, flight attendant, and the person in the whatchamacallit aisle at the hardware store, you’re welcome. Glad I gave you something to share.
“See Italy” Continued on Page T8. “Taste Aegina” Continued on T14